"Woman, Why Weepest Thou?"

This is so hard....
Every day feels like I am walking around with a hole in my heart. It is a pain that burrows so deep I don't know where it starts and stops. Even on the better days the pain is never completely gone. It is just kind of hanging around and varies in its intensity. Tears don't wash it away...thoughts can't wish it away...good company doesn't distract it away. It is always there to remind me of what I am missing. My baby that I should be carrying. My stomach that should be growing. The nursery I should be decorating. The congratulations I should be receiving.

This is a serious battle I am trying to fight here. I really do feel like I am fighting for my life every day. I not only feel heavy hearted most of the time but I must continue to be there for my kids and my husband. I can't just shut down and crawl under the covers. The real battle is exactly what I described in a previous post...not being centered on my own pain. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

The only thing that has softened the blow is the knowledge that I have of the Plan of Salvation. The only peace I have found is in the Savior. He is the Master Healer and the Prince of Peace.

Upon discovering the Savior's tomb empty three days after his death, Mary Magdalene was overcome with grief. The Apostle's quickly ran to find answers but Mary returned to the tomb in her anguish and cried tears of sadness and questioning. Why? Where? The many thoughts that must have gone through her mind. Her most beloved friend was gone.

How many tears have I shed wondering why? How many times have I questioned again and again where is my baby? What does he look like where he is? Does he see me, does he hear me? I have cried tears of sadness and questioning also. Micah would have been my beloved friend but now he is gone.

While Mary sat at the tomb and cried she heard a voice and turned to find a man that she did not recognize. "Woman, Why Weepest Thou?" the voice asked. After a few moments it became clear that this man was not a stranger, it was her dear friend Jesus. It was the very person she had been weeping for. She was honored to be the first person to see the risen Lord. He then instructed Mary, "Go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God." (John 20: 15,17) I feel it was as though He said, "Mary...why do you cry, why do you mourn. I am right here. Even when you can't see me I am here. I have won the victory over the grave Mary and there shall be no more death. I am the Resurrection and the Life. In Me you shall have everlasting life. There is no need for tears, there is no need for sorrow. We will always be together."

What would Micah say to me? Would I recognize his voice? I have often wondered. But I can imagine that it would be much like the scene of Mary and Jesus at the tomb. "Mommy, why do you cry? Don't you know that I am still yours? I am always with you whether you can see me or not. Don't you know that I am waiting for you in a beautiful and happy place? Please remember that Jesus died for me and you so we can always be together. You don't need to be sad. Please don't cry mommy. We will be together again. It wont be too long."

I do know the blessings and promises that are mine if I but endure well. The real trial is waiting for that day to come. Waiting for the day that I will be with Micah again.

"And not many days hence the Son of God shall come in His glory; and His glory shall be the glory of the Only Begotten of the Father, full of grace, equity, and truth, full of patience, mercy, and long-suffering, quick to hear the cries of his people and to answer their prayers." (Alma 9:26)

"...God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes."
(Rev. 7:17)