Tender Mercies

This afternoon I realized what the date is. It has been exactly one month since Micah's birth and death. I was wondering why I felt particularly sad today. I must have subconsciously known what today was. I got out Micah's remembrance box and tenderly touched the smock and hat he wore. I ran my fingers over his blankets and tucked everything away nice and neat. I sat down to continue writing Micah's story. I have avoided doing this since coming back to Washington. Very quickly after I started I began to sink into sadness. It really is so easy to do. Images of that day replayed over and over again in my head as I wrote down the events and feelings. I gave myself a good amount of time to feel what I needed to feel and then it was time to push out of it. That continues to be the struggle. Pushing out of the darkness and into the light. I experienced so many sacred and intimate moments during that time that brought me light and I want to hang onto them. On a new paper I started a list of all of the tender mercies given as gifts to me from the Lord.
In Elder Bednar's talk "The Tender Mercies of the Lord" he stated,
"...the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)."

I know that I have experienced these tender mercies this past month. I looked my greatest fear in the eyes as it took away my little boy. Completely helpless and unable to care for the baby that had been placed in my care. It is against everything a mother feels to no longer be able to protect and care for her child. But I do know that the Lord sent me little gifts to tell me that I am not alone. To show me that He is watching over me and that He is aware of my grief.

I will just name my favorite tender mercies because there really are too many to list. Micah was born on my dad's birthday. My dad is a very special person to me and to have Micah born and return to heaven on the same day of the year that my dad was born touched me deeply. This mercy ties Micah to my dad in a very special way.

In preparing to transport Micah back to Arizona we were told that transportation was not coordinated with the families flight. More than likely we would be on different flights. A few days before leaving we got Micah's flight information and he was being transported on our exact same flight. The funeral home was not aware of our airline or our departure time. Of all of the airlines and departure times Micah's was on our exact same plane. I could hardly believe it.

The day that Micah died it was gray and snowing. Washington is always gray during this time of year. Since getting back from Arizona we have been blessed with an uncanny amount of sunshine. For an entire week the sun was shining, the sky was blue and birds were chirping. I have had many people say that the sunshine was for me and I wouldn't go so far as to say that my trial has influenced the weather. But it sure has been a tender mercy.

To me, tender mercies are the hugs that the Lord cannot give. They are the tears that He would have shed with me. Tender mercies are the arms that He would have put around me if He were able. They are the light that burns through the darkness to help us to remember His love.