As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us.  As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us.  

~Sascha

Reaching for Joy

"Part of our precious legacy—to be remembered and renewed—is that though deepening trials throng our way, we know that our afflictions can be consecrated to our good.

Good can come from trouble. Trauma can enliven the heart and enrich the soul. Clouds do have silver linings, and the leaf will burst again on the dry branch. “Weeping may endure for [the] night,” sang the psalmist, “but joy cometh in the morning.” ( Ps. 30:5.)

My dear sisters, the daily work of the Lord involves changing hopeless to hopeful—for all of us. And it is for us to find at last that in the midst of winter we have within us an invincible summer. In a world filled with adversity we can reach for joy.

God’s plan is a plan of ultimate joy for each of us. His principles suffice in any situation. But each one of us, young and old, must rise to her challenges in her own way. Each one of us must reach for her own joy.

Life may not always be exactly what we had in mind, but we are not alone. This special promise is recorded in Mosiah: “Lift up your heads and be of good comfort. … And I will … ease the burdens … upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.” ( Mosiah 24:13, 14.)"

Elaine A. Cannon

Patience

Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.

~Joseph F. Smith

Newly Purposed

"And everything in time and under Heaven 

Finally falls asleep 

Wrapped in blankets white, all creation 

And still I notice You 

When branches crack 

And in my breath on frosted glass 

Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter 

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced 

Teaching us to breathe 

What was frozen through is newly purposed 

Turning all things green 

So it is with You 

And how You make me new 

With every season's change 

And so it will be 

As You are re-creating me

(excerpt from Every Season by Kenneth Cope)

Starting Again

Our family is moving back home to AZ next week.  After five years of living out of state. I have been super excited about it for months.  But now that we are packing up and getting ready to actually leave I am having really mixed emotions. As I have been packing boxes and thinking about all that has happened here I can't help but think mostly of Micah.  And as I realize that we are leaving the place that he was born and where I carried him and this place where I have so many memories, many of them bad but some of them good,  I feel sad.  Everything keeps playing over and over again in my mind. I thought that I would be very relieved not to have constant reminders of everything. And I still am. But part of me feels like I am having to say goodbye to him all over again because we are saying goodbye to the place where everything happened.  

Any time you move to a new place there is a sense of "starting fresh".  I'm not really sure if I am ready to start fresh. I really want to. Believe me I do. I just don't really know what that will mean for me. I have been stuck in this place where I feel comfortable hiding and making excuses as to why I don't want to be more social or involved. And the people that know me here understand why. But what is it going to be like in our next area and with new people we meet? 

I really just want to start again. 

Not...start over.  Nothing needs to be redone.

Not....move on.  I am not leaving anything behind.

Not....push forward.  I don't want to ignore where I've been. 

Just simply start again.  I hit a stop sign a few months ago and I have been stalled at the crossroad trying to figure out when it is safe to start again.  I have been scared to move. I've just been waiting here.  And when I say start again I mean not being afraid to make friends. I mean not being afraid to let people into my life. I mean smiling and being open and talking and laughing and getting to know other people. Lately I have been a half version of the happy and confident person I used to be. 

I really just want to start again. I don't know if I can keep waiting to feel that it's safe. I don't know if that feeling will come naturally.  I am starting to realize that this is going to take some hard work and I am going to feel uncomfortable and I am going to want to give up sometimes. But I know that I need to start fresh and I am willing to try. Saying goodbye to this place is very difficult, more so than I had anticipated. But the promise of a starting again and reclaiming zest for life and relationships is helping me to hope for a bright tomorrow where I wont be so scared.

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,

"I will not have you with me any  more."

I stamped my foot and said, "Be on your way," 

And paused there, startled at the look he wore.

"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,

"I, who have been your teacher--all you know

of understanding love, of sympathy,

And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"

I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.

He left a heart grown tender in my breast,

He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.

I dried my tears, and lifted up a song--

Even for one who'd tortured me so long.

-unknown

The Climb

I am going through a "thing" right now. I call it a "thing" because I don't know what it is or how to explain.  The first couple of months after Micah's birth I wanted to think about it and talk about it all of the time. I couldn't get my mind off it.  Now, I just want to avoid it.  I don't want to look at this blog or hear the music.  I don't want to think about what happened. I am completely at peace with everything, don't misunderstand me. I am not mad or hurt. I just want to avoid going to a sad place.  It is hard for me to grasp everything that has happened.  It is still hard for me to understand that I have a baby buried in a cemetery back home. We had a funeral for him. All of that really did happen.  It didn't just happen and then go away.  It will always be my reality. I will always be a side-note person. I never thought that I would be a side-note person.  You know....the kind of person that has a little bit of extra information that travels with them wherever they go. A person, when not in the presence of other individuals, gets a side note explanation.  "Oh, she only had two kids because...." or "Just so you know, Tifani had....."   A side note person.  

I am relieved to find that I am having less sad moments.  I used to have bad days most of the week. Now I can say that I haven't had a bad day in quit a while.  Maybe it is because I am in an avoidance pattern right now.  But this is all part of the journey....right?

Yesterday was Micah's due date.  I wasn't dreading it or overly anxious about it. On Sunday, at church, I used the restroom and noticed the attached mother's lounge.  Usually I wouldn't even notice that lounge. But for some reason it hit me that I should be in that lounge right now. I should be feeding my baby in there and holding him tight.  I try not to think about the things that I should be doing with Micah because it would be setting me up for failure.  There just is no point dwelling on the "what if" and "should be".   But for some reason, seeing that mother's lounge really hit me. I would have had my baby right now. 

I am coming to grips with the fact that life is not a series of events that I can schedule in a calendar.  I can't plan or determine the way my life will play out.  I had righteous desires to have a baby and bring another child into our family to love and teach.  I still have those desires.  But I am starting to realize that this road is not going to be as easy as trying again.  My doctors have discovered some medical issues that need to be assessed before I can proceed with more children, if it is even safe for me to proceed at all.   But I am learning to have faith and patience and listen to the spirit. I am the kind of person that makes a plan and expects it to work out.   I am learning that only a few things are guaranteed in this life and those things revolve around God and my testimony. 

The other day I was listening to some music with my kids as we were packing some boxes. A Hannah Montana song came on that I have heard before but have never paid attention to the words. My daughter likes Hannah Montana's music, I can't say that I am a fan but whatever. 

I changed the wording a little to make it sound less like a teeny-bopper song. 

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head saying,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I've
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
There's always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
It's not about how fast I get there,
It's not about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but

 I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most 
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, because

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
There's always going be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
It's not about how fast I get there,
It's not about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb 

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith 
It's all about
The climb

Without sounding completely corny, this song makes total and complete sense.  Growth comes from the struggle and the climb. And life's struggles occur often. Progression comes from the uphill battles not the valleys.  Gratitude and humility come because there was a storm not because life's waves gently rocked us along. 

Anyhow...apart from this phase that I am in, I am grateful beyond words. I feel that Heavenly Father is cradling us in the palm of His hand. And He probably has been all along I was just too distracted to notice. Sometimes it takes something that shakes us deeply to clear our vision and bring into focus what has been there all along and what is truly important.