Our family is moving back home to AZ next week. After five years of living out of state. I have been super excited about it for months. But now that we are packing up and getting ready to actually leave I am having really mixed emotions. As I have been packing boxes and thinking about all that has happened here I can't help but think mostly of Micah. And as I realize that we are leaving the place that he was born and where I carried him and this place where I have so many memories, many of them bad but some of them good, I feel sad. Everything keeps playing over and over again in my mind. I thought that I would be very relieved not to have constant reminders of everything. And I still am. But part of me feels like I am having to say goodbye to him all over again because we are saying goodbye to the place where everything happened.
Any time you move to a new place there is a sense of "starting fresh". I'm not really sure if I am ready to start fresh. I really want to. Believe me I do. I just don't really know what that will mean for me. I have been stuck in this place where I feel comfortable hiding and making excuses as to why I don't want to be more social or involved. And the people that know me here understand why. But what is it going to be like in our next area and with new people we meet?
I really just want to start again.
Not...start over. Nothing needs to be redone.
Not....move on. I am not leaving anything behind.
Not....push forward. I don't want to ignore where I've been.
Just simply start again. I hit a stop sign a few months ago and I have been stalled at the crossroad trying to figure out when it is safe to start again. I have been scared to move. I've just been waiting here. And when I say start again I mean not being afraid to make friends. I mean not being afraid to let people into my life. I mean smiling and being open and talking and laughing and getting to know other people. Lately I have been a half version of the happy and confident person I used to be.
I really just want to start again. I don't know if I can keep waiting to feel that it's safe. I don't know if that feeling will come naturally. I am starting to realize that this is going to take some hard work and I am going to feel uncomfortable and I am going to want to give up sometimes. But I know that I need to start fresh and I am willing to try. Saying goodbye to this place is very difficult, more so than I had anticipated. But the promise of a starting again and reclaiming zest for life and relationships is helping me to hope for a bright tomorrow where I wont be so scared.
6 comments:
Oh Tifanie, I totally understand, well mostly. When we moved only 1 month after I had Harry it was a bunch of mixed emotions. I was leaving a place where so many bad memories where, but at the same time that is where I found out i was pregnant, where I carried him, a place where most people knew i had another child. So to move to a new city, home and not have people know and wonder if they wondered was really hard. But to tell you the truth, its been good. I hope you can feel good about the move soon and if not, don't beat yourself up, you've been through a ton and its ok to feel mixed about it. I just hope moving closer to where his body lays will be good for you. You can finally say hello. GOod luck.
Tifani-I can imagine how torn you must be in leaving and restarting in a new area. At least you will have family close by to help you in the transition. It'll be difficult-I know it will be because it always is when you move somewhere new and have to rebuild your relationships and your life. Maybe you can think of WA as that special place for Micah, where it all happened. In a way you can "go there" when no one else can (once you have moved) and it can be that special place for your entire family where you had that special experience with Micah. Yes, you're physically leaving WA, but all the memories you shared there will remind you of WA. For me, it's nice to be able to start "fresh" in a new place because no one knows about your past and you don't have to feel like you have to explain your life to everyone if you don't want to.
Now that I have written a novel--just wanted to say that I think you'll be alright; it'll just take some time getting used to, but I think WA will always hold a special place with your family that no one can take away.
Good luck with all of the big changes coming up. I know you'll do fine. I'll be thinking of you guys.
I can relate totally! We moved the weekend before Miles was born while I was in the hospital. SO I came home from the hospital to a new home, ward, neighborhood, etc. At first it was really really hard. I just wanted to be around everyone who knew what had happened to us. But now, I totally see how it was just what I needed. A new place to start new. Plus our whole ward now knows and has been just an amazing support!! We actually spoke in church about 6 weeks after I had Miles on how having Faith in Christ can get you through trials. At first I wanted to say no but it ended up being the best thing for me!! I was able to talk about my sweet baby boy and afterwards many people came up to us to tell us they had lost a baby too. It was a neat experience for me to feel comfort from many people in our new ward. I'm sure you feel support from others in your new place! Also, I know you are moving to Tucson, but when you are going to be in the Valley, if you want, I would love to get together!!!!! Just let me know!!!
well i hope you know how much we all love you here back home and are so excited for you to move back. i know it will be hard for a while adjusting back to normal life but after a while it will become natural. i am here for you always!
Just take it day by day and it will be okay. Change isn't always easy or comforable but you can do it. You are an amazing woman that has so much to offer. I am sure that there is a sweet new friend waiting for you in your new area. The Lord will bless you and continue to carry you along through these changes in life. Try to not be afraid...I love you so much...you can do this...I know you can:)
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