The Climb

I am going through a "thing" right now. I call it a "thing" because I don't know what it is or how to explain.  The first couple of months after Micah's birth I wanted to think about it and talk about it all of the time. I couldn't get my mind off it.  Now, I just want to avoid it.  I don't want to look at this blog or hear the music.  I don't want to think about what happened. I am completely at peace with everything, don't misunderstand me. I am not mad or hurt. I just want to avoid going to a sad place.  It is hard for me to grasp everything that has happened.  It is still hard for me to understand that I have a baby buried in a cemetery back home. We had a funeral for him. All of that really did happen.  It didn't just happen and then go away.  It will always be my reality. I will always be a side-note person. I never thought that I would be a side-note person.  You know....the kind of person that has a little bit of extra information that travels with them wherever they go. A person, when not in the presence of other individuals, gets a side note explanation.  "Oh, she only had two kids because...." or "Just so you know, Tifani had....."   A side note person.  

I am relieved to find that I am having less sad moments.  I used to have bad days most of the week. Now I can say that I haven't had a bad day in quit a while.  Maybe it is because I am in an avoidance pattern right now.  But this is all part of the journey....right?

Yesterday was Micah's due date.  I wasn't dreading it or overly anxious about it. On Sunday, at church, I used the restroom and noticed the attached mother's lounge.  Usually I wouldn't even notice that lounge. But for some reason it hit me that I should be in that lounge right now. I should be feeding my baby in there and holding him tight.  I try not to think about the things that I should be doing with Micah because it would be setting me up for failure.  There just is no point dwelling on the "what if" and "should be".   But for some reason, seeing that mother's lounge really hit me. I would have had my baby right now. 

I am coming to grips with the fact that life is not a series of events that I can schedule in a calendar.  I can't plan or determine the way my life will play out.  I had righteous desires to have a baby and bring another child into our family to love and teach.  I still have those desires.  But I am starting to realize that this road is not going to be as easy as trying again.  My doctors have discovered some medical issues that need to be assessed before I can proceed with more children, if it is even safe for me to proceed at all.   But I am learning to have faith and patience and listen to the spirit. I am the kind of person that makes a plan and expects it to work out.   I am learning that only a few things are guaranteed in this life and those things revolve around God and my testimony. 

The other day I was listening to some music with my kids as we were packing some boxes. A Hannah Montana song came on that I have heard before but have never paid attention to the words. My daughter likes Hannah Montana's music, I can't say that I am a fan but whatever. 

I changed the wording a little to make it sound less like a teeny-bopper song. 

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head saying,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I've
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
There's always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
It's not about how fast I get there,
It's not about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but

 I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most 
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, because

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
There's always going be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
It's not about how fast I get there,
It's not about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb 

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith 
It's all about
The climb

Without sounding completely corny, this song makes total and complete sense.  Growth comes from the struggle and the climb. And life's struggles occur often. Progression comes from the uphill battles not the valleys.  Gratitude and humility come because there was a storm not because life's waves gently rocked us along. 

Anyhow...apart from this phase that I am in, I am grateful beyond words. I feel that Heavenly Father is cradling us in the palm of His hand. And He probably has been all along I was just too distracted to notice. Sometimes it takes something that shakes us deeply to clear our vision and bring into focus what has been there all along and what is truly important.