Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Am I going nuts?
I sometimes feel a little crazy. I'm pretty sure I haven't lost my mind yet but I do question what the heck I'm supposed to do with myself. It's like that song that Cameron Diaz tries so desperately to sing in My Best Friends Wedding. "I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with myself."

I can't concentrate.
I have become seriously obsessive. I seem to pick one thing and can't get it out of my mind. Cleaning....blogging.....crafting...whatever.
I feel all nervous and jittery inside. And I don't even drink caffeine.
I'm having feelings of panic. Like when I drive, when I'm around lots of people, when there is too much going on.
I'm scared now. I feel like a 12 year old. I'm mostly scared of people. Talking to them & being around them. I am an unrecognizable version of the loud and obnoxious girl I once was. I can barely make a peep. I used to be fun. At least I think I was.

From experience, I know that I'm feeling these things because of my loss. After my second miscarriage I felt most of these things. Back then I had a strange obsession with painting my nails. I would paint them almost every night just so I would have something to concentrate on besides the pain. I would go shopping all of the time. I thought buying things would make me happier. I tried really hard to be fun and outgoing and make new friends. I thought I would be happier because I knew more people. Ya....

The obsessive behavior I'm experiencing now is just a coping mechanism. Because when I slow down for long enough, I tend to get sad. And I remember everything. I remember that I couldn't keep my baby safe. He was doing so well. Hanging out in his little home, kicking and moving. Just moments before everything happened I could hear his movements on the monitor in my hospital room. The nurses would say, "He's an active little guy isn't he?" And I would just smile because he was very active and I knew he was special. Then, out of nowhere, it came down to his life or mine. His little home was hurting me....killing me. And, without knowing what was happening, he was forced to give his life to save mine. I was supposed to be the one protecting him from harm. How can I ever digest that?

In the book Gone Too Soon by Sherri Wittwer, I was taken back by a couple of sentences. Sentences that seemed to punch me in my gut. Right there in the book, plainly written, were feelings that I did not have the words to express.

"Another common reaction...is feeling like a failure as a woman. To many women, having children is the essence of womanhood: and when a woman loses a baby, it is common for her to feel as if she has failed her husband, her family, herself, her baby, and has, in general, failed as a woman. The feeling of failure can lead to a total loss of self-esteem. Suddenly, the woman becomes unsure of her abilities in all aspects of her life."

There it is.

I feel those things.
I don't want to feel those things. I don't like feeling scared and unsure of myself. Gosh, its hard enough being a woman today with all of the crap that surrounds us. But really...now I have all of these other emotions stacked on top of the normal day to day struggles.

I am doing everything I can think of to be "anxiously engaged in a good cause". Hoping that those feelings of self doubt can be replaced with feelings of worth.

I need to relearn who I am in a sense. Because at this point, I am pretty sure that I will never be the same person I once was.

Knowing what my divine nature is has given me something solid to hold onto. I could do as I did before and try to find myself again by changing my appearance or my habits or even my friends. But none of those things will fill the void that I have been left with. I don't need to change who I am to find who I am. Who I am and was before I came to this world will never change. It is up to me to recognize the things about me that are divine and weed out the rest.

Spencer W. Kimball said,
“All of you need to drink in deeply the gospel truths about the eternal nature of your individual identity and the uniqueness of your personality. You need, more and more, to feel the perfect love which our Father in Heaven has for you and to sense the value he places upon you as an individual. Ponder upon these great truths, especially in those moments when (in the stillness of such anxiety as you may experience as an individual) you might otherwise wonder and be perplexed”

Having positive things to do with my nervous energy will, I believe, help me to get out of this mess in the end. I think I will be able to get to know me again by doing meaningful things instead of just concentrating on the hurt. That is just my hope anyways.

“A conviction that you are a daughter of God gives you a feeling of comfort in your self-worth. It means that you can find strength in the balm of Christ. It will help you meet the heartaches and challenges with faith and serenity. … A woman can and must have an identity and feel useful, valued, and needed whether she is single or married. She must feel that she can do something for someone else that no one else ever born can do” -James E. Faust

That quote is so cool. And it's a really good place to start....