Little by little I am putting the baby things and pregnancy things back in order. My maternity clothes and baby books are now out of sight. I took my last prenatal vitamin a couple of days ago. Informational packets from the doctor's office have all met the trash. The day after we returned home from Arizona, I put away the baby boy clothes that I had recently pulled out of storage. I wasn't mad when I did it. I was just sad. I actually haven't been mad at all really. I almost felt that I was prepared for what happened to Micah. I had a feeling that something was wrong and for some reason I could never look very far into the future. Looking back I now realize what those feelings meant. I didn't know at the time. Because of past miscarriages it could have just been my unquestionable fear of not being able to keep him. Whatever that feeling was, it has helped me to not be angry that I lost Micah. I am incredibly sad, but not angry.
I remember after I had my second miscarriage how mad I was. I pulled down each maternity item from its hanger one by one with a very spiteful yank. I packed up every pregnancy book and nursing bra...I would not be needing them. Every pregnant woman made me extremely jealous. I did not handle it well. But because I did not handle it well I am learning that there is a better way to handle loss. I'm not saying that losing Micah hasn't been the most incredibly difficult thing that has happened to me, because it has. I am just saying that I have more faith in Heavenly Father because of previous losses and I am starting to realize that I can put my life in His hands. He can do much more with my life than I can.
Last night, I pulled out Micah's box and began the task of cleaning the smock he was dressed in after he died. We were given two beautiful smocks by some women that make and then donate them to the hospital. The organization is called Stitches from the heart. The smock he wore while in the hospital is the one that we get to keep. The second smock is what we buried Micah in. Because Micah wore this smock shortly after he was born there are a few stains on it. I didn't want to wash the entire smock because it is one of the few things we have that actually touched his body. I bought a Tide pen and rubbed out each stain one at a time. It was very heart wrenching to scrub out each stain and know that I was removing part of him, part of that day. A physical reminder that he really did have that smock on. We also have the blankets Micah was wrapped in just after delivery. I don't know if I can bring myself to wash them, but I know that I probably will eventually. Each item that touched him or came into contact with him holds special reverence. I have to handle his things gently, slowly and carefully. That is how I would have treated him.
Even though it was very difficult, I am content that his smock is now clean. I thought about his delivery as I scrubbed out each stain. Even though is was hard for me to remove those little pieces of him it was also healing in a sense. It wasn't done in anger or regret. It was done with love and reverence.
His life was a miracle. It was brief but it was also a miracle.
"Sometimes miracles arrive so tiny that we cannot feel the weight of them- and yet we are stillchanged, and we are blessed nonetheless..."
-unknown
9 comments:
That's so sweet Tifani. I loved the last sentence-His life was a miracle...brief but a miracle." I would make sure that you write those feelings in a journal while they are fresh(if you haven't done so already). I think when tiny miracles happen in people's lives they tend to forget them as time goes on. But I think a journal entry would be beneficial on Micah's story and the tender mercies you shared etc. It would be a nice reminder to yourself to look back on once the years pass.
We dressed Branson in three different outfits the day we were with him in the hospital, and I feel the same about them. They are stained, but those stains are a piece of him, I piece I get to keep. They are tenderly folded and placed on the changing table in his nursery. I look at them every time I go into his room.
I think sometimes that only angel mommies and daddies can appreciate how much these little pieces of them mean to us. I had a friend come in and look at those little clothes and the stains that adorn them with questioning eyes, and I just had to remind myself that they just didn't understand at this time why those would be precious to me.
I love the quote you shared on miralces...for that's what our little guys were...miracles.
OH Tifani, how hard to have to look at and wash out the stains. That smock is beautiful, the outfit that Harry was in was blue and yellow, fitting for a baby but not for a "angel baby". I am so glad you have some momento's of him. They really are little miracles.
what sweet little ladies to make and donate those little outfits. it's so amazing after going thru all of this to not be angry, what a great example you are. it's so good to hear you talk about your faith in heavenly father. i love you!
Oh I'm so sorry Tifani. That is hard. I hope you can continue to find peace.
I'm so glad they thought to give you two so that you can keep one close by. I bet that was so hard to put everything away and to clean this precious outfit of Micha's. I'm so glad that you have made friends with other mothers that have experienced the same loss. What a blessing for you each to have each other and be able to talk and share your deepest emotions. I'm sure it's a great comfort to know that you have friends that get you 100%. I really loved that quote on miracles...I love you...miss you.
You are so amazing, Tifani. So amazing.
I'm glad you had two, every time you look at that one, you can think how he's wearing the other. He is such an angel. I'm glad that helped in the process. I love you. I will call you soon.
Beautiful smock. I one day felt like I showed wash the outfit Preslie wore, but I just know it wouldn't have her smell anymore. I constantly open up Preslie's box and just hug her little socks and blanket so tight.
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